“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” ~John 10:10
It is the gray days of winter (now spring!) that wrap my light and cheerful heart up like a blanket and hide the person I really am. I spend much of this season wrestling and fighting to wiggle my way free, but on many a day the battle seems futile. Has this cold, dreary season changed who my God is? Is this season not part of His beautiful creation and a vital part of providing all that His children, myself included, need on this earth? You do not need to answer these questions. I know the answers.
I love the honest discussions I am allowed with the Designer of my heart. This Heavenly Father who sits on the throne of the universe beckons me to an intimacy where no topic is off-limits. Okay God, so if You have created this heart of mine, knit me in my mother’s womb, fashioned me uniquely to walk my allotted days in this five foot, blonde, temporary shell, why, WHY, God, did You not knit my heart to love the stone cold of the gray? It really would have made my life much easier if you had thought of this.
Like a broken record I hear these words in my mind: “It’s just weather, get over it…” You have no idea how many times I have repeated this mantra and chastised myself for not being able to climb out of my winter pit. Knowing I need a power greater than I possess, I turn to God and scream for relief. Which is probably the answer to the whole thing.
Do we not all have those recurring themes in our lives that force us to face the fact that we are weak and He is strong? If we did not, how would the intimacy level in our relationship with God be different? I know how mine would be different…and it would not be pretty. I am quite sure that the confidence cloud I float on for three-quarters of the year might somehow morph into pride and arrogance. The raw, sometimes painful exchanges of my honest heart would most likely become diluted, albeit enjoyable, chit-chats with the Creator of the universe. I have often allowed my imagination to wander down the lane of, ‘well, maybe that kind of relationship with God would be okay…’
And then I see it. The eye-roll. Deep in the secret place where God and I get real, He gives me that look that says it all. “Really? You really think you could settle for that now, after you’ve seen what you’ve seen, after you’ve lived what you’ve lived? Really?”
Ugh! You are right God. I hate it and love it when You are right. I know there is no going back once you’ve crossed a certain line with God. It’s just the way it is. This past year I have seen God’s power blow through my life, I have felt His strong arms hold me steady, I have heard His whispers of love when I felt I would drown in my own tears. No. I could not go back.
Maybe the Designer really does have it all figured out. ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ Hmmmmm… If fullness of life, for me, only comes through the gray days, I guess that’s okay. Because I can never go back. Too late now.
Peace Through The Storm... 